I was at home one work night when Mom called and she told me that they were going to try one more chemo and that was going to be it. She said, it didn’t mean that she was going to be gone in a week, but surely by summer there might be an end to things. I remember how strong she was saying that as I was crying on the phone about it. I knew the time would come when that would be it, but I never was really ready to just hear her say it so clearly and calmly. She was definitely comforting me about it. She even asked me to come over to be with her so that I would feel better and of course I did. She didn’t seem sick outside of her hospital visits becoming routine after having chemo due to her bowels not working or her throwing up too much. I believe she went through one more cycle and that was pretty much it. She came out of the hospital and it was clear that it was too hard on her to continue.
I never thought of her as sick until after that when she never really recovered her strength, her appetite or her robustness. It was then I knew this would be it, yet I held on to the hope that it would be months and not weeks that she would have left. There were many things that she had already set up for her final arrangements. There were many things that she did and did not want help with. She wanted Gil to help her. There would be times when she would say that I could her help her with something personal, but I would still back off, because I knew that she had previously told me she didn’t want me to do it. She had said that when she had helped Grandmother there were things that Grandmother felt Gloria should not be doing for her and toward the end mom was the same way, so I left those things to Gil. She specifically wanted Debbie to do certain things as well and would wait for her to come.
I tried to piece together the ideas of things that I would say about her if I had to write it out or speak it at her funeral, and at one time she did consider that maybe I could do the eulogy and I was kind of terrified of that idea, but if I did there would be a few things I would say.
I would have said that we talked a lot about God and the Bible together. She was very faithful and very spiritual, but she was also seeking beyond the “rules” of religion that she had so long been taught and wanted to know what something actually meant. I hesitated at some points to which she would say, “You think I might be disillusioned...” and I would say that faith was never disillusioning, but maybe the context from which things come may be disappointing. There are two Creation stories and there are two stories of death. She was fascinated about what both actually meant. I remember digging up a ton of scripture about it. She wanted to know what Revelation really meant. I didn’t go down that road because it was too hard to find a reference book that wasn’t slanted to a political viewpoint in one way or another, besides Revelation having incredibly complex symbology that I wasn’t about to try and figure out.
We did find common ground on what the ‘message’ of the Bible really was. Christ makes it very clear in just a few sentences. Love Him. Love everyone without exception. Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you. Take care of the poor and the children. Love - above all things. I would say, is there anything else to it, and she would agree, not really. She did have a firm opinion on being proper and couth. She could go on for hours about etiquette and manners. She didn’t like violent things after a time, even though she loved horror films while I was growing up. She never liked depictions of sexuality, but she could watch the most sappy and gooey romantic movies.
When I thought about Christ’s words and her deeds, my thought was always that I could never live up to what she had lived everyday. She gave without a thought every day to people who needed it. Be it friend, relative, co-worker or the public that came to her window at Social Security. If she had a gift from God, it would have been that folk knew her to be someone they could come to when they had a need. She had people that would come to her from the public that had to have been given a Word that mom was someone that would be able to help them get what they need.
She walked with me one day around her office and every person there came out and said, ‘this is why Gloria is special to me,’ without fail. She may have had the reputation of the old fuddy-duddy, but they knew who to go to when they needed advice, a Word or just an ear to listen. I was hoping to get an in for a job there and I left thinking, how could I ever live up to that? It’s one thing to have good friends and its another to have a group of people that come out and give you a testimonial. It was truly amazing.
I spent a few days a week coming over to dinner with mom and Gil. I usually reserved coming over for dinner time as it was something that collectively we could share in and have time to talk over the events of the day. Also, it just seemed to work out the best around work hours. As events drew more dire, I tried to make it one more day a week and then toward the end, I was coming over everyday that I was free. Usually I would hear Gil and mom be their usual selves. Often mom couldn’t let something go and sometimes Gil would become frustrated with it and vice versa. It was just typical stuff. I never really talked to them about their relationship and how they felt about each other. As the days came to where Gil was being mom’s primary caregiver, I watched him help her out of her chair or bed to come to dinner. They would take hands and count 1, 2, 3 and up she would stand and they would kiss. She would then come to the table and have a plate set for her despite the fact she couldn’t eat any of it. When she was ready to go back, they repeated the process with the counting and the kiss and I will never forget that.
I would take some things for granted I suppose. That she would be around forever or that as a man, Gil or myself would not necessarily be confessing personal things to each other, but to watch him care for mom, I truly have admiration for him. I don’t think I could have done as well, though I surely would have tried if it came down to it. The two of them had plotted and planned what they would do for each other down to the last detail and he remained devoted around the clock to see that all these things were taken care of. Mom couldn’t have asked for better care. She wanted only specific people there at specific times and it was obviously a burden on Gil to have to corral who could come and when. It was really hard on her to have many people there at once and Gil did the best he could to make sure that she wasn’t overwhelmed. I stuck to my routine and often came after everyone else had gone.
Toward the end Gil discovered that her medication was not really necessary and when she gave up taking it, she became quite aware and had several very good days. She stopped feeling pain for a while, and some of the ‘end stages’ we thought she was in was really the medication knocking her out. She even became feisty. It was nice to hear that. I told her so and she had to think about that for a minute. She could out stubborn a cat when she wanted to.
When Debbie came over at the end, I was glad that her and Gil worked well together to allow Gil time to get the things done he needed to do. Mom wanted her to come and mom knew she was there. It was only when she fell into her deepest sleep that she didn’t react, but other wise she knew each person as they came in or at least responded to them.
I remember feeling relieved one morning. Actually happy. I was relieved because I accepted what was happening. I was relieved that she had such good care with Gil and with the hospice nurses and I was relieved that I was not feeling sad for the first time in a long while. Gil told me that it was ok. I should feel that way. The nurses told me that everything was going the way it should. In fact, it was good. It was very good. Mom was comfortable and pain free and moving along as they expected without cause for concern or for emergency. Each question of the death was turned into a blessing. It was a blessing that was coming. This made it much easier for me to deal with and to understand. I was sad. Oh for sure. I cried and I wallowed and begged and prayed many a time, but I didn’t do it in front of her. I knew she was alert and I didn’t want to be grieving for her while I was there with her. Everyone feels differently and I accept that. I know that I carry the death of my father with me everyday as I never really got to know him nor him me, but with mom it will be with a glad heart that I remember her and not a sad heart to mourn her.
At the end, I got a phone call at 3 am, the time she always woke up and called for Gil or the nurses to help her. I didn’t know what to do. I remember saying that to Debbie on the phone. I don’t know what to do. Should I come over? Yes. I went over and we waited for the folk to come and take her away. That was the hardest day of all. I felt like I was watching from a distance and just going through the motions. From there it was a blur with the funeral and the all the folk coming over and trying to go back to work. I was so glad to see my boss Kelly and a co-worker Jessica there. I felt good they wanted to be there for me. I was also very glad to see Estes I didn’t know there and some others I rarely get to see as well as the tremendous turn out of her friends and co-workers.
We just have to figure out what ‘life’ is now. We won’t be hermits forever, though I still plan to take a weekend away. There are still a few last steps to take, and we’ll take them one step at a time.
