Through out my life, I found that I have a special connectivity with certain people. We are on the same wavelength. It is difficult to explain how it happens, but when you think about somebody and then they call you 3 minutes later to say they were thinking about you, and that happens enough times, you have to wonder if it is a coincidence.
One of those people, was my mom.
Through the years, I would get her mental phone call and have her on my mind enough to know she was thinking about me too. Many times, there was indeed something significant going on that needed some discussion. As life got busier through the years, the line got a bit static-y at times, but the connection was still there. It seemed as the chemo affected her mind, that the static was more difficult to break through.
I walk my dog alot for exercise any my mind wanders to many topics. Years ago, I came across a tv show with a highly sought after psychic that claimed that a relative close to him that had passed would reveal his presence using feathers. Whether it be real or just the suggestion of it, I started noticing that when thoughts of my dad crossed my mind while out and about, I would often find a feather on the ground in my path. Sometimes, this happens even in doors. It has been comforting to think of him watching over me, looking in on my life. As mom's news of no more chemo shifted into hospice care, I stopped seeing feathers. I even hoped that he could be near her to help guide her as she transitioned from this world to the next. I wondered about her parents Inez and Lawrence, and whether they could be there for her too.
As we got to the final days, and even the final hours, when there are no words left to say but "I love you", the connection was still there and the words are not necessary anyway. Even that last morning when she was no longer able to respond to me, I knew she was "in there" as I held her hand and sat by her side.
It wasn't until that night, that things changed. At 11:00p, after a couple of hours where I played every meditation piece on my ipod and barely drifted off to sleep. I woke up with start. I had seen her face in the dark. Mom was young, her dark hair full and soft, a look of concern on her face. It was if she had peeked into my mind for a brief moment and then withdrew. I went to her bedside and held her hand in mine. Her chest still rose and fell with short shallow breaths, but something was different. She was more in the next world than this one and the connection was weaker than ever. I eventually went back to bed and tried not to cry too much recognizing the inevitable was near.
She has been gone for a month now. I still miss her everyday. I haven't seen any feathers but she is in my dreams. She is busy doing her things and I am busy with Nick, doing mine. Together but separated. And that's how it is now.
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